Thursday, 6 March 2014

I am an Emotional Masterpiece

Just call me Picasso

 
I've decided I'm an emotional masterpiece, because it sounds so much better than unbalanced. I'm like Picasso, but without the wang...and with breasts. And maybe with my eyeballs in the right place.
 
So I'm like Picasso but BETTER.
 
Fucking A.
 
Not like a Da Vinci-ette, because let's face it - that guy made sense. I'm more all over the map lately. Creative, emotional, and ACCIDENTAL.
 
My sons went on a ski trip with their school. They come home absolutely soaked through, so I "empty" their pockets and throw coats and snow pants into the washer...then the dryer. I do the little quotesy things on "empty" because it wasn't as empty as empty should have been. It was less "empty" and more "holy shit, what the Hell is THIS?"
 
THIS is how you accidentally tie dye two pairs of snow pants and add decorative splotches to winter jackets...with wax crayons. So it's nice and waterproof. And won't come off.
 
Less Da Vinci and more Picasso, right?
 

Just HOW Sick are You?

 
It was Family Dinner Night...for those of you who don't know - this is night when disaster and or hilarity strike in equal measure (usually when I screw something up). However, for once THIS was the exception...HA! Because we didn't even get there.
 
My brother sent my Mom a text saying they all had Parvovirus or Tuberculosis (or possibly were just sick...I didn't actually read the text) and they couldn't make it to dinner - so they cancelled.
 
Don't worry, we all blame him. It's what we do.
 
"Paul says they're sick and can't make it tonight," my Mom announces in the living room.
 
"Wait! Uncle Paul is sick?" my oldest son asks.
 
"Yes, sweetie."
 
"Did he get too old?"
 
Oooh the restraint I demonstrate sometimes...you're welcome, Paul.
 

It Tastes like What?

 
We recently added a Boston Terrier puppy to our madhouse. By "we" I mean "me" because I just can't get enough of cleaning up puddles of pee and I suffer from...something horribly wrong with me. And if I try to share the blame I will get the hairy eye.
 
His name is Spock and he is insane. My sons adore him.
 
"Spock's eating his foot!" Kaelan shrieks happily one morning.
 
"It's probably itchy," my Mom explains as both boys bounce around the puppy.
 
"I bet it tastes disgusting," Reece announces as he leans in to inspect the action.
 
"It probably tastes like chicken. Everything tastes like chicken," I tell them.
 
"I bet that's it," my Mom agrees.
 
"Or dork. Most likely it tastes like dork," I suggest.
 
Just a guess.
 
 

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Things not to do with Ocean Spray

Dear Ocean Spray: You may want to talk to my son and stay away from old folks

 
Reece is talking to me on the way to the city and it sounds like he's pinching his nose shut.
 
"Is there a box of Kleenex in the backseat? I think you need to blow your nose," I suggest.
 
After creating a ginormous pile of tissue on his lap he tells me "I think I have nasal congestion."
 
"I think you're right."
 
"You know what I need? Ocean Spray," he throws out there.
 
"Really?" and now I'm confused, however this isn't a surprise as it happens A LOT.
 
"Yes. You spray it up your geezer."
 
Wow. This made me almost swerve off the road. Why? Why do these things ALWAYS happen when I'm driving?
 
"That sounds uncomfortable," not to mention illegal...and now I need to keep him away from old folks homes.
 
"Well, not right up your geezer. But just up the nasal so you can breathe fresh," he explains.
 
"Ahhh, that sounds...better."
 
Not. It SOUNDS like the colonoscopy from Hell.
 
And I've NEVER seen that on an Ocean Spray commercial. I must not get that channel... Sick bastards.

Diablo III...Hell for the Other Guys

 
This is my youngest son's perspective on playing a co-operative game. I'm guessing he's not going to grow up to be a hippie...just a guess.
 
"What's good about having a friend in this game is you can stand back and let them do all the fighting," he tells me as I see his 'friends' get annihilated.
 
"Just throw 'em to the wolves, huh?"
 
"Mhmmm..."

The Doorway to Narnia...
or Wherever too Much Booze takes Ya


My Mom bought a new-to-her wine cabinet and it is AWESOME. It's old and looks like something that belonged to Grandma...if my Grandma wasn't cheap and a little bit crazy.
 
"I love that cupboard! It's like that one they use to get to Narnia, but without the creepy fur coats," I tell my Mom.
 
"You mean a wardrobe?" she asks.
 
"Yes! The wardrobe!"
 
"Except ours is filled with wine."
 
"That just makes it MORE awesome. And we'd still be able to talk to lions - it's just a matter of having enough."
 
"I need to finish filling it," she reminds me - as I'm in the way obsessing over our magic wardrobe.
 
Now I'm thinking we need a sign. A picture of a giant wine bottle with lines at different levels, like a measuring cup. THIS much to see lions, THIS much to see guys with goat feet and THIS much to see talking gophers.
 
Fucking brilliant! I bet I could sell them in bars. I may need a patent...
 

A Brief Norse "History" if You're not Picky about Facts

 
My youngest son comes up to me with knowledge blazing in his eyes...and by knowledge I might mean vague guessing, you be the judge.
 
"Mom, I know how Vikings got horns," Reece tells me.
 
"Really? How's that?" I ask.
 
A mistake, possibly, but I have this problem...it's called ZERO CONTROL.
 
"They took the horn of an animal, then they dug out the middle," he begins.
 
"Ewww." (Yes, I should have known better. Hindsight is a bitch.)
 
"Then they put something on the pointy end so their lips wouldn't touch anything icky."
 
Because we all know how sanitary Vikings were.
 
"Like Purell?" I guess.
 
"No. Like leather," he tells me.
 
"Ahhh."
 
"Then they put a ring of gold around the other end."
 
"How incredibly fancy!"
 
"Yes."
 
You heard it here...snag yourself a Viking. They have fancy horns AND they're a tidy folk.
 

Keep your Beezer Nice and Fresh

 
"Oh sick! I just got water up my nasal cavity!" Reece announces as he comes out of the bathroom.
 
Seriously, I have NO idea where he comes up with this stuff.
 
"Oh?" I dare to ask.
 
"What's a nasal cavity?" asks Kaelan.
 
"It's a nose hole," Reece explains.
 
"I was brushing my teeth, then rinsing - like this," then he starts rattling his head madly back and forth.
 
"Oh I hear ya," I reply, because honestly it's all I can think of without laughing (or sarcasm).
 
"Well, at least my nose is all fresh."
 
Yay for the silver (and minty fresh) lining!
 

And How does that Make you Feel?
How about hearing impaired???

 
"Sometimes I feel like a dwarf."
 
My youngest son blasts me with this information in the CAR...while I'm DRIVING...because he wants to KILL ME.
 
And all I can think is that at least this is going to be an entertaining way to crash.
 
"Do I look like a dwarf?" he asks.
 
"No. You don't look bulky or hairy," I tell him.
 
And HERE is where the family hearing issues rear their ugly (and entertaining) head.
 
"I'm bonky?" he asks, somewhat fascinated.
 
"No! I said bulky or hairy!" I laugh.
 
Oh, but this was not the end.
 
"Bulky or beery?" he asks, COMPLETELY baffled. "What's beery?"
 
Oh my God. Note to self: clean his ears.
 
"I don't know! I said HAIRY!"

"I'm not hairy," he tells me with this totally offended look on his face.

Screw it...be a dwarf - I quit.
 
 

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

And then I Pee Stalked the Dog...

Christmas is either a Rip-off
or Elves might be really Scary

 
Two words: hearing issues. This is the cause of much entertainment and distress in our house lately. Although I am mega-glad it's no longer just me with the issues (at least those issues).
 
We're seated at dinner when Reece asks me "What's a conman?"
 
"It's a crook," I answer.
 
"It's a Santa," Kaelan tells him at the SAME TIME.
 
Now I'm laughing my ass off and imagining somebody getting less in his stocking for that comment.
 
"She said a conman was an Orc," Reece corrects his brother.
 
"Did he just say Santa was an Orc?" I ask my Mom, completely baffled - yet wildly amused (and totally screwed for presents by laughing at this).
 
Oh my God, we all need to clean our ears.
 

True Love

 
My oldest son has been sick with croup so I've been driving Reece to school rather than have him walk all by his lonely self. Reece is just about ready when we decide on this.
 
"I guess I have to go put on pants then," I tell him.
 
"Yeah," he says all serious, like I'm going to go driving him in the snow in my jammies and a robe.
 
"THAT'S true love, Reece - putting on pants."
 
Write that shit down, that's gold. True love is putting on pants...
 
 

Gender Confused Reindeer
get Cold Feet, too

 
I love the Christmas movie Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I know it's old, but it's one of the best Christmas shows of ALL TIME. Being a Rudolph addict, we have Bumbles, Yukon Cornelius, and Rudolph's around the house to Christmasify the place. We play the reindeer games, yo.
 
I bought a great big Rudolph and Kaelan loves him! He takes him on drives, to bed, around the house. He's no misfit here.
 
"Hey Mommy, come see this," Kaelan calls me from downstairs while I'm making breakfast one morning.
 
All the giggling has me wondering, not to mention apprehensive.
 
"What is it?" I ask as I lean waaaay around the corner.
 
"Look! Reindeers need slippers," he informs me.
 
"Wow! That's fantastic!"
 
"Now she won't get cold feet," he says.
 
"I bet she won't. I love it!"
 
"Rudolph loves slippers, too."
 
I had NO idea...that reindeer got cold feet or that Rudolph was a girl.
 

New Emoticons may Simplify Life

 
Sometimes your buds ask you how you're doing...and maybe they shouldn't. They'd have regrets - or sore ribs from laughing at you.
 

And then I Pee Stalked the Dog

 
I have reached an entirely new level of creepy, but it was for a GOOD CAUSE (although that's probably what they all say in court).
 
My Mom was concerned something was wrong with one of our dogs due to a reddish piddle on the floor.
 
Then she went to the city for the day.
 
So I went out in the SNOW and PEE STALK the dogs when they went potty (to see who was the "Red Piddler", not for giggles) - and they stared at me all judgemental-like.
 
The next day she admits that the spot was only spilled fruit juice from one of my boys...so I was the pee stalker for NOTHING.
 
And then I poured fruit juice on her - in my head.
 

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Resurrection by Dryer Sheets and Manger Danger

How to Not Pass Medical School

"I know how to bring someone back from the dead," Reece informs me.
 
"Really?" I ask - and I am CONCERNED...will they be alive or will I be cleaning up after zombies, too?
 
"Well, just dead anyway," he clarifies. (And this is good to know. FRESH deadies only people! He may need a business manager.)

"Do tell."
 
"You rub two pieces of fabric together really fast until they're all covered in static electricity then you place them on two places on the persons chest," he says while  madly rubbing his hands together.
 
"Fabric?"
 
"Yes, maybe special fabric so it's staticky."
 
"Like fabric dryer sheets?"
 
"Maybe. I know it's fabric...or rocks. They get placed on the persons chest after they're covered in static electricity because the heart runs on electrons."
 
"...Good to know."
 
So if I have a heart attack, throw me in the dryer with some Bounce sheets - but FRESH SCENT...just in case.
 

Yeah, I'm SO not Going to Eat That

 
"What are those decorations called?" Kaelan asks me.
 
"Christmas balls?"
 
"Yeah, those. Hee hee, they looks like pudding."
 
Ummm, not seeing it...or eating it.
 

Don't be a 'Gator Hater

We started decorating for Christmas and my Mom put out her Nativity scene again. Mary, Joseph and those Wise Men were haters that loved camels and sheep but alligators were NOT INVITED...apparently.
 
Kaelan decided to correct this heinous transgression.
 
 

Bedtime Blues

 
"Hey Mommy, you know what I think?" my oldest son asks me.
 
"No, what?"
 
"Kaelans are not meant to sleep."
 
Nice try my child, nice try.


Monday, 18 November 2013

Between Siri and I, it's been a WTF kind of week...

Facial Hair for Everybody

 
"Mommy, I have a question," Kaelan announces.
 
THIS statement may be the beginning to great entertainment in my life...or the start of wine-o'clock (or sometimes both).
 
"What's that?" I ask.
 
"How come evergreens don't shave?"
 
"Ummm, because they like their whiskers?" I hazard a wild guess.
 
There's this pause and JUST when I think my bullshit has been called:
 
"Okay."
 
Whew!
 
"Yup, whiskers...all year long."
 

Siri you Bitch

 
I recently updated my cell to the iPhone 5s. I love having an iPhone - they're easy to use, but I must admit autocorrect has a serious hate on for me. Now with Siri talk-to-text I've arrived in an entirely new level of texting Hell.
 
I gave Siri a whirl and totally did NOT CHECK what it wrote. Call me trigger happy on the send button. Call me stupid. Call me regretful.
 
Because I am.
 

This ranks an entirely new NUMBER ONE on my list of things to NEVER EVER send your mother...ever.
 

What was That?

 
I am thinking I am deaf as a freaking post. Here is a short list of hearing fails recently:
 
1. Not surfing for prostitutes...apparently.

"OMG?! Did they just say go to www.ultimatehooker.com?" I ask.

"Ultimate poker," my son's Dad tells me.

"Oh, thank goodness. That would've been wrong."

2. Is that Proactiv in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

"Did you just say you have zits in your pocket?" I ask my Mom - totally baffled.

"No, I have a Kleenex in my pocket."

"Wow, that's way more sanitary."

"Get a hearing aid."

3. Student handouts that would send a message

"Your teacher gave you butts?" I ask Reece for some clarification (justifiably I should think).

"No! Inspiring Leadership bracelets," he corrects me.

"Well, that makes more sense."

I think I'll be making a hearing test appointment...soon.
 
 

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Mornings bring out my inner tyrant...be warned

Scariest Backseat Driver EVER

We went Halloween shopping for costumes. Driving home I almost fucking died as I'm going down the highway and see JUST this in my rearview mirror.
 
Happy Halloween motherfucker.

Get a Lawyer, Shorty

 
I thought being the Mom made me the law-of-the-land, but I was wrong. Why? Because I have a Mom, she is the boss of me and my kids know this. And I have one word for this: Shit.
 
I am doing errands with my boys after school when I ask the dreaded question.
 
"Does anyone have homework?"
 
"I do, I have reading," Reece tells me.
 
"I don't," Kaelan tells me.
 
This is not unusual. Kaelan often doesn't have homework but we have him work on learning ANYWAY...because we're awesome that way...and we know he can do ANYTHING...and he's catching up in a fantabulous way.
 
"Then you can do some math when we get home," I inform him as we pull up to the bank.
 
Inside the bank he tells me "I already did math at school."
 
"Well, you can do some more!" I announce in my uuber chipper voice.
 
"Awwww!"
 
We're headed back home and he's grumbling. "Why do I have to do math?"
 
"So you can learn fractions and things like that."
 
"You hate math," he points out (rather surprisingly).
 
Personally I think it sucks ass sideways through a straw when your kids throw things like LOGIC at you.
 
"We're not talking about me."
 
"...Is Grandma home?"
 
"Why? Do you want to appeal to a higher power?" I ask.
 
"I appeal...I'm asking Grandma."
 

It's ALL about Accessorizing

 
Reece was the Emperor of Evil for Halloween. He was totally excited about his costume. Very Grim Reaper-y.
 
"I think my favorite accessory is my scythe," he tells me.
 
"Really?"
 
"It really makes my outfit."
 

Home Security Advertising that can be Taken Two Ways

 
"If any monsters or zombies come I'll whack 'em in the head like an old man!" Reece tells me, swinging his scythe wildly on the way to bed.
 

Sometimes Nobody Listens...

and it's Still a Win

 
It's a school morning, so it's the usual poke and prod and nag-nag-nag to get everyone ready. This time of day really does bring out the tyrannical side of a parent's personality as we crush democracy and want to scream JUST DO IT ALREADY!
 
So we do...in our head.
 
ANYWAYS - now we're behind and I'm trying to get Kaelan's zipper done up on his coat. I'm having the damndest time trying to get it put together. Kaelan, on the other hand, is having a delightful time flapping my hair in my face as he chatters away.
 
"Could you stop flapping me, please? I can't see to get this done up," I ask (trying not to laugh - I might inhale my hair).
 
He stops, looking offended.
 
"I'm not flattening anyone," he informs me.
 
Well, other than not hearing me right, that's probably still a win - yes?
 
ZIP! "There! Have a great day at school. I love you and don't flatten anybody."
 
"Okay Mom!"
 
 

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Your kids will get you in the end...


Embarrassing Shopping Moment Number...
shit, I've lost count

There are reasons parents hate grocery shopping. There are also reasons for the chillin' music while you shop. They TELL you it's so you'll stay, shop longer and spend all your money. I'm thinking the mind numbing music is so they don't have a disastrous cleanup on Aisle Five when parents lose their minds and go on a rampage.

"What do we use to chop people's heads off?" Kaelan asks me.


"I don't chop peoples heads off," I clarify for him (and everyone else shopping).


WE indeed, as a lady checking out the cookies has frozen in mid-reach and is trying not to laugh.


"And let's not talk about this here... Not matter how entertaining it is for other shoppers."


Because I Can...


Who's a pretty pumpkin? And who hates me? And who smells delightful (apparently like pumpkin spice). 


What a Waste of Wings, Clucky


I get grilled like a game show contestant on a regular basis, but lately I feel like I am running out of the RIGHT answers.

My boys and I are watching Rio and Kaelan is loving it. All those flappy birds in the show and he is in heaven.

"Do chickens have wings?" Kaelan suddenly asks me without looking away from the movie.

"Yes."

"Do they fly?"

"No, they don't," and I feel like I'm close to the next level on a game show (exciting).

"Then why do they have wings?"

Shit! Now I'll lose my chance to win that Samsonite luggage.

"...For eating...with hotsauce."

*This post was done on my iPad - crazy! Let's hope it works...