Why Superdudes Really Wear Masks
I walk down the stairs and come upon a masked man of mystery watching cartoons on my couch... Imagine my surprise.
"What's the mask for?" I ask Kaelan.
"So I look good."
And the Award for Wierdest Shit
in the Livingroom goes to...
I'm having a chat with my Mom in the upstairs livingroom when Reece comes running in and skids to a stop.
"Wow," he says with those big blue eyes all wide. "I thought I saw a dwarf."
As my Mom was busy trying not to die holding in her laughter on the couch, I was left to ask (when you're seeing dwarves, there are CONCERNS).
"I saw some black and thought it was a dwarf beard...but it was just the dog," he explained.
My Mom has tears dripping down her face now...but is still alive and unable to talk.
"It happens to the best of us," I tell him (sure - dwarf sightings EVERYWHERE, but honestly it was all I had).
"Yeah, it does," he nods solemnly.
It's a damn good thing he went back downstairs so my Mom could finally laugh before she peed her pants holding that in.
I Don't Think Gnawing on Yourself Replaces Vitamins
but I'm quirky that way
You know when you start having one of those innocent conversations with someone and it COMPLETELY goes to hell? Yeah, this is my life - all the time.
"Mom, I think I have some sniffles," Reece informs me as he's blowing his schnoze after Kaelan and I pick him up from a playdate.
"Oh darn. Maybe it's from playing outside in that damp grass with no shoes...or running outside into the rain without your coat," I TOTALLY sneak in a nag nag, 'cause that never gets old, right? "We have to be careful, hey bud."
"Especially you and me, right Mom? 'Cause we get sick so easy," he reminds me.
Man, it sounds like we're some frail, pasty waifs just waiting for the germpocalypse to waste us due to a sudden lack of Purell.
"Maybe we wouldn't get sick if we ate our livers," he suddenly throws out there.
Fuck that, I'd rather be sick than eat my own liver.
"Kaelan likes liver," Reece oh-so-helpfully points out (sarcasm: it's what gets some of us through the day).
There's this sudden GASP of horror from the backseat of the SUV.
"What's liver?!" shrieks Kaelan (because Oh My God it better not be a vegetable).
"It's meat," explains his brother.
"Oh! Yummy liver!" Kaelan cheers, completely relieved.
I'm totally confused and I have no idea where I went wrong...
Fuck it, I'm still not eating my own liver...or anybody elses.
Not Sure if Snorting Fruit Avoids Scurvy
(if you know - feel free to tell)
I pick up my oldest son from school and the end of his nose is black... As he's not what you'd call TOTALLY picky "appearance-wise"...sometimes it's easier to just ask what he's wearing.
SOMETIMES I should be more careful who I'm asking.
"Hey, what's that black stuff on your nose?" I ask him after he climbs in our SUV after school.
"It smells like watermelon," he tells me.
"Sooo, you're snorting the black watermelon when you won't eat the pink stuff?" I ask (I KNOW - I don't know where the hell it came from or why I ask. I have NO control).
"Yeah, it smells yummy," he tells me.
Snorting mystery fruit...is it snorting or is it huffing? Do you get vitamin points for this?
Things NOT to do in a Grocery Store
Here's my helpful tip for...well anyone out there who needs a pick up line NOT TO USE and a great spot NOT TO USE IT. Here you go - you're welcome.
I head to the grocery store and am minding my own business when I start getting followed by a much older, inebriated man...creepy.
I'm spotted and followed ALL over the store - stopped in the dairy section with a line I totally don't recommend for any drunken shopper.
"Hey, it's my birthday," wobbles said birthday-fellow. "You're very attractive."
"Well...happy birthday," I answer as I raced off.
Another tip for drunken grocery store stalkers...bathe...and maybe don't be drunk...and maybe don't stalk.
I really didn't understand the thought process for the birthday line (or the grocery store, honestly). You've got your ravioli, your toilet paper, and hey - look! There's a woman! Is she on sale, too? It IS 10% Tuesday... Can I afford her? What the hell, it IS my birthday!
I'm trapped again AT THE CHECKOUT with the same variation...somebody obviously believed the whole 'if at first you don't succeed' crap.
"It's just you're very attractive and it's my birthday," he reminds me.
Oh. My. God. Birthday cakes are elsewhere! WHY isn't this checkout thingy moving FASTER?
"Are you married?" he asks.
"YES, yes I am," I said very fast. I'd have sworn I was a three-headed alien out to conquer the earth for man eating Marigolds if it had gotten me out of that fucking checkout faster.
Finally I got my groceries and bolted.
Crikey, for the love of all that's sanitary in the grocery store - stalk sober...stalk elsewhere...stalk somebody else.