I Have the Zombie Virus
It began with my oldest son getting a cold. HIS cold lasted one week. He also generously shared it with me...and it mutated.
This went from a cold to some kind of snotty, vomity, pasty-gray skin pallor I-don't-even-want-to-be-around-myself-ickiness.
I have been SO SICK... I am now Man Sick.
I came to this conclusion when I lost my sense of humor.
My children's Dad walks up to me in the kitchen and says:
"Hey, you have a three-inch long hair growing out of your back!"
"What?! NO! Please tell me you're messing with me."
"Scout's Honor," he says and holds his hand up - LIKE THIS:
Then I BURST into WILD TEARS!!!
I'm bawling away and he says "What? I swore like this!" And does it AGAIN!
"So? There really is! I can't see it!" Now I'm crying harder.
"Scouts don't swear like that!" he explains - all exasperated.
"How would I know? I'm a GIRL!!!" I wail.
"...Wow, you're really sick. You should go lay down."
And THIS is how I knew I was Man Sick.
NOW, how I know I have the Zombie Virus? It was my first guess. I was the right color, after all. (Not to mention I coughed, dry heaved AND sneezed at the SAME TIME - I didn't even know that was possible. It could only be worse if I had shit my pants.)
Google is wonderful - or horrible - or an enabler. It all depends on how you look at it. After chatting on Facebook, I put my symptoms into Google and, Ta Da!...NO, it didn't say Zombie. It said Typhoid, or kidney failure, or I swallowed an object (I think I'd KNOW), or an anxiety disorder (which, okay - I already know), or dementia (which I'd forget), nearsightedness (I shit you not)...the list just got more horrible.
So I'm pretty sure I was just going to stick with my first guess. I'm becoming a zombie. I already have the shuffle down pat.
My brother is certain with my crappy immune system mutating a cold into something THIS AWFUL that I will cause the zombiepocalypse.
That's me... Zombie Mary.
School is Dangerous
Somedays I wonder what ACTUALLY goes on at my oldest son's school. This story will explain why.
I pick my son up from school today and I ask him how his day was.
"Pretty good," he says.
"What'd you do today?" I ask.
"Oh, I don't know. I made a paper airplane and some zombies," he tells me as he waves his paper airplane at me. It was pretty cool!
"What about reading? Did you do some reading?"
"......Aside from the killing, this place wouldn't be half bad," he says.
WOW...sounds like a negative to me.